One Year On

I know I haven't written often lately, and there are a number of reasons for that.

Probably the main one is the personal process I've experienced in the wake of the court case. Now that we're approaching the one year anniversary of the trial, it's interesting to look back and see what effect it has had...

At the most deeply personal level, it has been difficult to say the least. Experiencing cross-examination on the witness stand left my self-esteem shattered. Just reliving any part of that process caused me anxiety and stress. The thought of reading the transcripts left me shaking and teary. This played itself out in periodic bouts of self-loathing and attempts to 'rebuild' my self image in various ways.

I have only recently managed to face up to this and forgive myself. It came to me that if anyone else I knew was berating themselves to this degree, I would immediately give them my love and understanding. But because my cross-examination took place first, none of my usual circle of support people was present, and I therefore had no way to do a reality check.

Essentially, I've had to step back and say that I did the very best I could under the circumstances, some of which were far from ideal! So, taking a deep breath, it is time to let that go and move on.

At a practical level, although the judgement was ultimately disappointing, various elements of Christopher's care have been simplified. Some of the most beneficial changes we've experienced are:

• airconditioner in Christopher's room - means he no longer calls us every night to tuck him back in - means we are getting much better sleep at night
• electric hospital bed for Christopher - means we no longer have to bend over - saves our backs! Also means Christopher can sit up in bed and watch DVDs on his computer screen
• hiring of two wonderful ladies who do Christopher's home schooling 12 hours per week (three cheers for Rebecca and Jody)
• ability to pay carers to be with Christopher and Catherine while Garry and I take some time out (thanks Oma and Opa!)
• purchase of car that will be purpose-modified for wheelchair - means no more heavy lifting of ramp - also means Christopher can sit in the middle of the car with the family, instead of in the luggage area
• purchase of house that already has separate carers' quarters and lots of space for wheelchair access (more about this later)

These are just some benefits that spring to mind as I write - no doubt a comprehensive list would be much longer.

One final note; just last week, for the first time in many years, I was suddenly struck by a moment of intense joy. I'd forgotten how breath-taking that can be. How long has it been for you?